Anne what exactly do you do? This question is either answered swiftly as “grief counsellor” or “post abortion grief counsellor” depending on location or even questioner because it really does make a difference. The difference is that it may take hours or it may even lead to long discussions about prolife or prochoice issues on abortion and I don’t always want to engage in this discussion.
In
my work I deal with what is called disenfranchised grief. The kind of grief which is not supposed to
occur because elective abortion is considered a choice for the termination to
be made. While there are different views
surrounding difficult issues like abortion, the grief which follows is caught
up in word games of political correctness.
Abortion, which is touted as only a minor procedure, readily available, a woman’s right, a “non-event” in fact does create dissonance both internally and societal. Abortion grief is “disenfranchised” (Doka, 1989) because whilst abortion is globally available, legal, and funded it is still not spoken about. It is still placed in the woman’s peccadillo history. A woman who miscarries is supported in her grief because she is seen as having “lost” the baby. It was out of her control. A woman who aborts has little if any support because she is seen as having chosen to terminate the life of her “foetus”. Her pregnancy was not considered endangered she chose the outcome. Disenfranchisement comes from invalidation of her very real pain and sense of loss. More painful than miscarriage because the woman sees herself as the instrument of her decision.
Because abortion grief
counselling is still in its early stages of development and in many cases this
type of grief still not even accepted, and therefore “best method” counselling still
in the process of discovery, the rigid adherence to one particular approach I
believe would be unsuitable because many things have to be taken into
account. E.g. counsellor’s own ideas
about abortion and life matters which in cases may colour counselling and
outcomes, even detrimentally.
Abortion grief is not normal
grief, I believe it is a complicated type of grief. Depression always follows,
especially where the abortion decision is made under duress or fear. Abortion grief is exacerbated through the
need to remain silent and therefore no support network present.My role, (and the role of any really good abortion grief counsellor) which I have developed over nearly 20 years through counselling, study, reading, prayer, is to facilitate the grieving process which at times has been suppressed for many years. Perhaps the best way to explain what I do is to say that I actively give the woman grieving for an aborted child the permission to openly mourn and weep and to acknowledge the humanity of her child and the reality of the child’s death. I honour, in the person grieving, her belief that her baby was of inestimable value. I help her temporarily reconnect with her baby by helping her name the child, establish some history, establish a permanent name memorial where wanted, and in due course bid the child goodbye with a goodbye ceremony.
When an abortion or miscarriage occurs there is usually the beginning of a story, small middle but no usual ending to the story, a baby. This interrupted ending leaves the spiritual and psychological incomplete. This special grief counsellor helps to complete as much as possible the story. We support the process of grief, which has remained exposed and raw and help close the story for both mother and child in a beautiful manner as it should be.
As human beings we have a
need to construct language, signs, symbols by which we attach meaning, and meaning
for the human being is very important. If we can make sense or make meaning of
something even very difficult, then we can cope with all manner of pain.
In
this work of collecting of abortion tears, “meaning” is important because the
loss through the abortion has proven to be traumatic. “Meaning” is important because the result (of
the abortion) has not brought to the woman her expected outcome, that is,
freedom from difficulties, but instead has introduced a new dimension of
difficulty and pain, one which she had
not anticipated. In this area of work “meaning” over the loss is attached to
her own set of moral standards. Meaning
is found in the “meaning” of these standards for her. All serious losses have “meaning” attached to
them because assumptive worlds are disturbed by these losses. Her world of her
normal has been shaken and nothing seems will be the same ever again.
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